All things considered I never thought I’d be enjoying a cup of tea and writing about the end of the universe, but here I am.
For all intents and purposes this is not about the temporal end of the universe as Douglas Adams intended, but rather the other one. I just don’t have the patience to wait for the temporal end. Neither would anyone reading this I gather. It’s bad enough having to wait for things like the kettle to boil or Joon much less loitering about for the end of all things. Never the less, we wait…
The end is the beginning
Hoping you all remember your towel, I am over joyed to remind everyone that this journey to be had in the beginning of summer will not end with the end of the universe. It will begin there. Or, at least, a relative end but who’s to say, really. If you wish to think of it as the outskirts, then so be it and I will not pass penalty. You will start off in a random system based on a radius and, more or less, equal distance to what we know is the centre of the universe. We don’t want anyone having an unfair advantage now do we? We can be relatively certain we will all set out with the same provisions as well. A small ship for example. What, did you think you’d get the cadillac of space cruisers with an improbability drive from the get go? Heavens no. You get the galactic version of a Volkswagen Rabbit, and older one, also not very clean.
Work your way to the top
To make your way to the centre of the universe you’ll need to trade up by making deals and digging up rocks and things. You will be afforded a sort of laser gun for digging. That luxury is indeed bestowed upon you from the start. Could you imagine being handed a shovel to mine precious alien resources on any number of strange worlds? You’d be laughed right out of the pub. No, there is much work to be done, and you need the right tools to do it and you shouldn’t do it on an empty stomach either. To this end, and the end of the universe, which is your beginning, there is Miliways Diner. A delicious and completely made up restaurant, serving the best food anywhere – that came from your fridge. You’ll thank yourself, mainly because there is no one else around, for grabbing a snack before you disembark. Might I suggest a pan galactic gargle blaster and some sort of finger food? Nothing too greasy. Select your comfiest chair and make sure you have all other communication devices turned off. The last thing you need is some Vogon bureaucrat ringing you up with ridiculous questions like, “Why are you not at work?” and “Why was it when I called your grandmother, she picked up the phone, very much not dead?”. You have no time for distractions now. Nor do you have time for responsibilities. This is important damn it!
Enjoy the game, it’s here soon enough!
After your first few hours adventuring, with a full tummy and perhaps a little drunk, you will be acclimated to being able to go wherever you want. You can play, “hide behind the giant asteroid”, with the local pirates, or get right down to business and explore a few worlds and mine some resources. The universe is your giant space oyster! Which incidentally is called “Greg’s Mom” because someone discovered it before you. Just be sure to be mindful of your bladder, take breaks by standing up on the carpet and making “fists” with your toes, and by all means have fun. Before you know it, the day will come and your preorder of No Man’s Sky will already be downloaded and ready to go.
Until then, happy meme making.